There's a new trend, and it's got a name: The Marketer Who Can't Actually Market.
These smooth-talking charlatans have mastered the dark art of selling themselves whilst remaining spectacularly useless at everything else. They're the reason your last rebrand looked like it was designed by a committee of colour-blind toddlers with access to Canva Pro.
Here's the twisted reality we're living in: smooth talkers get mistaken for strategic thinkers, bullshit gets confused with brilliance, and somehow the loudest dickhead in the room gets handed the keys to your brand kingdom.
It's like watching someone get promoted for knowing how to use a laser pointer.
What Brand Strategy Actually Is (Spoiler: It's Not Vibes)
Brand strategy isn't rocket science—it's more like brain surgery. If that surgery involved carving your brand into people's minds with surgical precision.
It's the feeling someone gets when they encounter your brand, and whether that feeling lands in the precise mental real estate you designed for them to occupy.
But here's where shit gets properly fucked up: half these "strategists" are just expensive ChatGPT translators with business cards and an unhealthy obsession with buzzwords.
A real strategist should be able to tell you instantly:
- Who actually gives a shit about your brand (and "everyone" isn't an answer, Karen)
- What transformation you're really selling (hint: it's never the product)
- What territory you own in the market
- What stupid shit you need to stop doing immediately
If they can't? Congratulations—you've hired a professional document generator with a LinkedIn addiction.
